I see a pic that looks like Josh M and Me. NO. Whoever is foodstamping that is a liar. To this day, I still hate Josh with my whole heart. He was the cause of my calamity. And no, I don't consider myself his loser either. He's fucking psycho.
Mike Jones? I don't know. I was thinking the other day, if he were realistically in my life and not just in foodstamped media, I might have a fresh heart for him. I don't feel any strong emotion. I like One Republic for the inspiration, but there just aren't any strong attachments with Mike J. I have no hard feelings against him. He hasn't wronged me in anyway that I am aware of. If he came back in my life, he would still have a chance. But there are just no strong feelings for him right now.
I'm looking back into history.
This time, it is history that occured after my graduation. My first job at Youth Advocacy Programs. This was just a year after I felt seriously battered. Because of abuse, it does hurt my esteem a little. Nonetheless, I felt I did a good job at my job. I made the most of what I had, although I felt unfairly played and a victim at the end. It has just occured to me that I have no good references. I'll probably have to pick a couple of teachers from ORU that I liked and am pretty sure they liked me back.
I do blame socialism and this is the reason of my reflection. When I lived in Bedford, I made zero connections. Until the last couple months I made a few. I had other and new paranoia developing. But there was some paranoia that I missed: my aunt Lisa. I really do want to continue to let it go and keep them all out of my life giving no room, but she finds ways to creep in my life and get away with rape anyway. Even in the workplace. I have zero respect for her. All she has is her own system of what she thinks is and isn't acceptable in defining respect and how the world goes. Its seriously fucked up. Anyway, I'm upset because I never made that connection. I had two different supervisors by the name of Lisa at YAP. These supervisors were realistically trained and did realistically have an education. But my aunt Lisa doesn't. They gave her authority and power that she doesn't deserve.
I've had a lot of rackateered and rigged jobs since the first one, but I look back and am livid at the deception, blindness, bad judgement on their behalf, corruption on their behalf and they get away with it.
I did date a guy named Randy while in Bedford. I don't know if that is another piece of rubble I may be buried under. Again, he was a person I never made the sickfuck perverted connection with that he is my dad. I do not blame myself nor find fault. I am blindly disgusted by the lies and deception of others though. And no, he doesn't even remind me of my dad.
I could give an account of the rest of the jobs if I wanted to. I hate socialism/capitalism/communism with all of my heart. It is controlling. It is extremely unreasonable. I still feel sorry for myself. Like I always like to use music, I'll use another song. I'm not taken over by fear. I AM TAKEN OVER BY HOPELESSNESS, HELPLESSNESS, AND DEPRESSION because of it. Until I have it my way, the only thing I think I could look forward to is different forms of materialism, traveling, possibly relationships depending if they agree with and understand me on how important this issue is with me. Oh, and I don't want to be famous or be a stripper, I just want to be able to sue people and get rich for the wrong they have done to me.
(Lily Allen- The Fear)
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/sarah.riffey83/blog?bID=539162264#ixzz0zcDabcQm
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